The Video Shoot

Where to begin? A while back I was talking with a certain limo driver friend of mine and he told me about some guy to whom he was boasting about his limo service. Apparently, some ridiculous offer was made (I think J was shitfaced at the time) where a limo was promised for a drastically reduced price. Needless to say the guy calls J the next day, and not only does he want to take J up on his offer, he wants to use the limo in a video shoot...a porn video.

So here's where I come in (maybe not in the way you think, hehehe). Because J had decided to do the job (for a more reasonable price) but was not exactly fully informed about the situation, he asked me if I wouldn't mind coming along. Or maybe he just thought I'd enjoy it. Whatever the case, I agreed to come along.

So out of the blue today I get a call at work around 4. It was J telling me that "tonight was the night" and he was to pick up the guy at 5:30. He also said he was en route to pick me up first, and "there were no ifs ands or buts about it". Nothing like short notice. "All I care about is gettin the money," he said, "everything else'll be fine."

After he got me, we went to pick up the guy, who was introduced to me as Khareem. J asked him if we needed to stop at an ATM, at which point Khareem informed him that "dude" had the money. Sorry J. We stopped at a packie for some, ah, alocoholic encouragement, then were off to pick up "some chick" (Khareem's words). She turned out to be a pretty attractive black woman, complete with stilettos and what appeared to be fishnet stockings (I could only see so much glancing at the side mirrors of the car). I turned to J and said , "Hope it's warm enough back there for her"...strictly out of concern for her well-being, of course.

And for a fleeting moment I thought I saw a kid get into the limo.

So then we were off, to where neither J nor I had any idea. Sitting shotgun, I took on the role of navigator and recieved short bursts of vague directions from Khareem as we drove aimlessly into the night. After a short while we found ourselves in Dorchester, and I commented to J in passing about how I used to work at a high school close by. Imagine my surprise when Khareem instructed us to pull into that very same school's parking lot, which I could already see was full of cars and people. I don't know whether J was oblivious to this or simply didn't hear the directions, but he blew right by the entrance. This was a minor relief to me, as I didn't really want to be part of a porno shoot on school grounds, never mind be recognized by someone I knew.

At this point I heard J muttering something about some a-hole behind him, then something about how he thought we were being followed. Great. Things were getting shady, and it wasn't because the sun went down.

"Aight, aight", Khareem mumbled, "I gotchu. I think there's anotha lot, ah, over there...nome sayin?". Amateur hour, anyone? We drove a couple blocks until Khareem reached over, tugged J on the shirt, and got him to pull off a crazy maneuver into some empty lot off the side of the road. We went in as far as we could go until we were in front of a padlocked chain link gate, only to realize that several cars were parking behind us, blocking us in. Before I had a chance to voice my reservations, J came out with "There have GOT to be easier ways to steal a limo". Whatever...what's the worst that could happen, right?

As the slamming shut of doors could be heard behind us, I checked out the side view mirror to see just who it was we were dealing with. Luckily, before J had a chance to gun the limo through the gate (you never know with him), I pointed out the small crowd of HOT CHICKS filing up to the car. Nice. J also seemed excited, though I'm not sure whether it was because of the chicks or becuase he was finally about to get the money. I just needed to get a "closer look".

I went back to greet our guests, and saw three alterna-teenish guys, apparently the crew, as well as four girls, who I assumed were the cast. Problem was, a few of them not only looked pretty but also looked pretty damn underage. To make matters worse, my earlier suspicions were confirmed when as I watching the girls pile into the limo I saw a kid no more than 11 or 12 hanging out inside. Wonderful. Might as well have stayed at the high school parking lot.

As the crew set up, one of them came over and introduced himself as James. This guy was definitely running the show, and looked the part of porno-producer to a tee. He asked about power supplies, and before I knew it I was back in the passenger seat leading a wire out the window. When all was said and done it was rigged such that I wasn't going anywhere. Argh.

J got back in with a clipboard in his hand and a smile on his face. "All paid up," he said, "now we wait." I told him about James and pointed out the wire, to which he could only respond, "Guess that means our man here (Khareem) is the talent!" As I started to ask him about the clipboard, which turned out to be a release for him to sign, I noticed a car pull up into the driveway of a house just past the fence. A middle-aged woman and a young boy got out, groceries in hand, and I swear the woman glanced over with a scowl. I couldn't help but wonder if she somehow knew what we were up to. She unloaded the rest of her car, then got back in and drove off. "Hope she doesn't come back for a while" J offered. I couldn't have agreed more.

While J was contemplating whether or not to use his real name and info on the realease, I had to point out a few things. "Number one - with all those lights they got in there, people can see right in. Number two - some of those girls look VERY underage. Number three - there's a little kid back there." No sooner had I finished than I heard a tap on the window. Cops?

No...just a hot blonde all bundled up in a fur-lined flesh colored jacket, asking us for, of all things, windex. Windex? I know it's generally all-purpose, but let's be reasonable...what is this, My Big Fat Greek Limo Orgy? "What...the money shot already?" J joked after she left. Ah, no. It's just not up to adult film standards of cleanliness back there, J.

Music started playing, and the limo started rocking. Here we go, I thought. The divider was up so we couldn't see what was going on, though J was trying his damndest to sneak a peek. Finally he just got out of the cab and stood outside. I waited until I heard the director say "cut", then quickly made my escape across the driver's side door. J must've seen my look of disapproval and said "There's nothing going on, they're just shooting the intro or something." I could see Khareem alone, back against the divider inside, lip-synching the lyrics to the song that was playing and boppin around. It was almost as if he were in a.......rap video!

"J, you sure this is a porn shoot?"
"Yeah...I mean..."
"Did anyone ever actually say the word 'porn' to you?"
"Yeah...well...no. No, I don't....you know, I don't think so."
"cuz this looks an awful lot like a music video shoot to me..."
"nooo"
"yeaaah"
"noooooooo"
"yes, man"

So, with a new perspective on the situation, we sat and watched Khareem and the gang go through a few more takes of the song, and though we went home with no stories of limo-laden debauchery, we did go home with a good laugh and an untarnished conscience.

OK...more like a not-as-tarnished conscience.

Want the song? Save this link target to your computer.